Author Archive

Girls Just Don’t Dig Me (Part 2)

January 27, 2009

I was at this big roller rink once my freshman year in high school. We all went there ‘cos it was really trendy and had the BEST Mr. Pibb. I had no idea how to skate, but I thought it would be a kickin’ good time. So I sat on one of those square things to put on my rented skates. I was pissed when I realized they had only given me one skate, but then I remembered I only had one leg. So I stumbled onto the main floor, where the vixens are, and started to play the field.

Getting up after my eleventh or twelfth fall, I noticed a sultry young red-haired love cat with glitter in her hair looking down at me. Her stare was inviting, and I asked her if she’d mind giving me a lesson or two. She smiled and, amused, began to giggle. I thought she fell for my innocence or thought my inability to skate was charming, and that boded well for things to come. But when she grabbed me by the locks of my dishwater-blond hair and swung me around ’til I was out of control, I knew my premonitions were faulty. The other girls joined in, and I became an unhappy one-legged billiard ball bouncing around the hellish pool table called Rollerhell. Eventually my torso hit the rink’s edge, shattering my pelvic bones. I lay doubled over, shot down in flames.

I don’t know. I guess girls just don’t dig me.

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Adventures in Baby Kittens

December 1, 2008

roundworms1

Being a roundworm is great.  Okay, sometimes it’s not so great. Like for the first few months of my life, I lived in a newt.  It was so hot in there, it was like a friggin’ sauna!  You would think it would be nice and cool inside a newt.  Not so much.  Anyways, so I’m living in a lizard, it’s hot as shit, and I was always dizzy, because the little mother scratcher was always dartin’ around.  Dartin’ here, dartin’ there, make up your mind, Newton!  Then one day he shat me out.

Living in excrement was not as bad as it sounds.  Plenty of nutrition, the temperature just right, and I kind of like the texture.  You could do exercises, play games, really- lizard poop is really malleable; you could pick off a piece here and there and make whatever you want.  We had our own Skee-ball setup going.  It helped pass the time.

Then one day, a kitten ate the pile of shit I was in.  Then I found out what living was really all about.  Let me paint a picture for you:

INT. KITTEN – DAY
Picture the most awesomeness you could ever imagine.  And there it is.  ‘Nuff said.

Sucking kitten blood is a gas.  So there I was, living on second-hand Friskies, taking bets on who could incite the worst kitty diarrhea, when I met the girl of my dreams.  She had a smokin’ pseudocoelom, and her phasmids put the ‘round’ in roundworm, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Before I knew it, things were hot and heavy with me and Laura.  There’s not much privacy inside a kitten, but our fellow roundworms knew love when they saw it, so they gave us our space.  I’ll never forget our first time together.  The cute little kitty snores emitted while our host slept created a sensual soundtrack that really set the mood.  I bent my tail, and she hopped on, no cajoling necessary, buddy.  My chitinized spicule inched forcefully out of my cloaca, and the desire on Laura’s face was almost heartbreaking.  Her genital pore beckoned for my spicule and nearly swallowed it whole.  What followed next was almost as cool as making sand castles out of crap.

Ahhhh, kitty livin’.

Snails!

December 1, 2008

snails

Pito had a girlfriend named Sabrina.  They were in Maringo’s room rockin’ hard to the Miami Vice soundtrack when Pito decided it was time to use his fluoride rinse.  When he came back from the outhouse, Sabrina was wearing her tight Sergio Valente’s.  Pito grinned and put on his pedal pushers and his hip Dego T.  Both of them were exhausted from skanking and ready for a night out on the hamlet.

The 4-H club meeting started at six, so they were needin’ to hustle ‘cause it was 4:52.  The stars were glowing bright, the rams were howling, and the brine shrimp were coming to a boil.  When they got to Haystack House, Jerry Bean was there to welcome them.  Jerry had a hairline much like that of Larry from Three’s Company. All Sancho’s friends were there.  Tito, who was dressed in his Flip Wilson suit and his teal beret, was happy because he was wearing a Swatch.

Also Emmanuel Lewis was there.  Also Betty was there, who did one of those workout shows. And Jeff, who was dressed up as one of those stupid pink things from Star Trek.

The meeting had to be over by 8:00 because WrestleMania XXVI was on cable.  So Sookie drove Pito home on his motorbike, because he and Sabrina had broken up.

That guy took his snake out at the end and it was cool.

Hello stupid-asses!

December 1, 2008

saslogo11Welcome to Stupid Ass Stories. Feel free to submit your own stories. Whether they’re made up and dumb or true stories about real life stupidity, it’s up to you. Smart is overrated.