Long ago, next week sometime, maybe Wednesday, there lived a horrible smelling elf named Krüebert. He loved to make toys, especially crappy ones like table badminton sets, knockoff Silly Putty, and Drillbit Taylor dolls. Nobody wanted him or his lousy toys.
“Krüebert,” Bouncy would say, “you smell like bouillon cubes. Can you please go die or something?”
Krüebert would cry and seek comfort in making some plastic Dukes of Hazzard handcuffs.
“Krüebert,” Flouncy would growl, “the best smelling part of you, your hair, smells like the fetid dingleberries of Dasher, the most malodorous of the reindeer, smothered in afterbirth. Now please swallow one of these Polly Pocket dolls, which were recalled by Santa because they are a choking hazard and contain lead paint.”
Finally Bjugnakraekir, the Head Elf and Toymaker (who actually created the world) intervened and decided to make things right. He (or she) bathed Krüebert, only to discover that he smelled worse afterwards, and his remarkable stench ruined the North Pole’s supply of soap and Santa’s special bathing place. Realizing that, as creator of the world, the abomination of Krüebert was his (or her) fault, his (or her) only recourse was to destroy the Earth and start anew.
And to this day, the inhabitants of Og, the New World, are mystified by why just one of the billions of stars out there in the universe smells a little bit like rotten liverwurst. Little do they know, morons that they are, that within this star lies the remains of the wonderful but stanky elf named Krüebert and the lutefisk he was eating when the world exploded.
Stupid Ass Stories 
December 24, 2008 at 1:24 pm |
Kruebert looks suspiciously like Howdy Doody. Is that possible and, more important, how do you get oomlauts to work? Have a great holiday
May 16, 2012 at 6:22 pm |
This is the greatest page in the history of the internet, I have laughed so hard I have shat myself. I love you.
May 16, 2012 at 6:26 pm |
I’m glad you enjoyed it. I started this blog years ago and then gave up because nobody seemed to be reading it. Perhaps the world wasn’t ready for it. Did you discover it because you were Googling umlauts?
May 16, 2012 at 6:46 pm |
Or because you are a puppet f*cker ? Sheessus. Sersiously? Can nobody see the genius of the writing? Perhaps you should remove all photos and just leave the text.
May 16, 2012 at 7:15 pm |
I forget how I found it now, that damn short term memory loss. I don’t use google ever only wordpress. I was listening to the Miami Vice soundtrack and masturbating when I found it.
May 16, 2012 at 7:19 pm |
Larry are you the meanwhile Larry bought an attaché case in the Floccinauchus’ Rubik’s Cube story?
June 26, 2012 at 1:19 am |
Krüebert the foul smelling elf was my favorite toy as a child until Fred Rogers stole it from me after a terrible lawn darts accident.